"I can't shake this little feeling,

I never get anything right."

I don't think I can.
All of my actions lead to someone being unhappy with me in the end, when I wish I could make everyone happy.
Currently, I have managed to make a good friend and my boyfriend mad at me simultaneously. Don't ask me how I do it, I guess I'm just lucky.

I'm so afraid that the reason this happens is because subconsciously I want it to happen. I'm afraid I can't stand to see myself content in a relationship because somewhere in the back of my mind I have the idea that he will come back to me.
I don't know why I would hope for that, other than to use it as an excuse to not put myself wholeheartedly into something ever again.
On the other hand, there isn't anything I want more right now. I'm tired of "having fun" and acting like the fact that all the guys I know just want to use me doesn't bother me, because I'm using them too.
That isn't true...it's just another excuse to not let anybody in.
I'm trying to break free from that mentality, I'm trying to allow myself to be free around a great guy who is proving to be worth my time and emotion,
I just can't get past this wall.
This wall that gets higher every time I tear it down.
This wall that lets me make stupid decisions because I know those stupid decisions will keep me from getting too serious.