A

heart is thudding.
It's mine.

I remember when,

I remember when we were best friends,
And we laughed at things like "mustard covered midgets" and put on wax lips at the mall.
And I stayed in your room listening to your mom yell at you, not knowing what to say when you came back.
And you defended me when others tried to pull me down, and bought me skittles and a starbucks card after one of the worst nights of my life.
And you couldn't always be there for me but I was determined to always be there for you.
And you always bought me random Hello Kitty stuff from Target because it made you think of me.
And I always missed you when you were sick and couldn't come to school.
And we rented movies that we had never heard of and laughed when they turned out to be really awkward, and watched them anyways.
And we shared our deepest secrets that we couldn't tell anyone else when we took roadtrips up to Indy.
And you were the only person that ever truly understood me,
And I can't think of a better way of putting it.

And it's all ruined because of one fight. Because of one guy.
And yeah, I was hurt, but you meant too much to me.
I shouldn't have let our friendship fall apart.

I miss you terribly.

"I can't shake this little feeling,

I never get anything right."

I don't think I can.
All of my actions lead to someone being unhappy with me in the end, when I wish I could make everyone happy.
Currently, I have managed to make a good friend and my boyfriend mad at me simultaneously. Don't ask me how I do it, I guess I'm just lucky.

I'm so afraid that the reason this happens is because subconsciously I want it to happen. I'm afraid I can't stand to see myself content in a relationship because somewhere in the back of my mind I have the idea that he will come back to me.
I don't know why I would hope for that, other than to use it as an excuse to not put myself wholeheartedly into something ever again.
On the other hand, there isn't anything I want more right now. I'm tired of "having fun" and acting like the fact that all the guys I know just want to use me doesn't bother me, because I'm using them too.
That isn't true...it's just another excuse to not let anybody in.
I'm trying to break free from that mentality, I'm trying to allow myself to be free around a great guy who is proving to be worth my time and emotion,
I just can't get past this wall.
This wall that gets higher every time I tear it down.
This wall that lets me make stupid decisions because I know those stupid decisions will keep me from getting too serious.

Sad ipod, sad day :(

So, my ipod is broken. Which kind of makes me really sad, considering I didn't do anything to it. It was just plugged into my computer, on the floor, where it usually is. And when I pulled it out, I couldn't turn it on...a sad ipod face just kept coming on the screen. And wouldn't stop...which made me sad. And then both me and my ipod were sad. A sad, lonely couple of music driven devices and no access to music.

Story of my life.