Under Construction

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about where I went wrong.
Nothing seems to work out for me, and when it doesn't, I get really disappointed and down on myself.
Well, I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of never feeling good enough.
So I've decided to change a few things.
Sure, I've always believed in God, and I spent most of my life in church. But it's been a long time since I've had an actual relationship with Him, and I'm ready to get that back. I'm giving up a lot of things I feel like are holding me back. Basically, I'm just ready to be a better person.
A few days ago I decided I'm going to eat healthier, exercise more, and hopefully lose 10 pounds. Tonight I dyed my hair. The next step is to reconstruct my insides to match the way I want to look on the outside. I want to look and feel healthier and happier, and hopefully in time God will bless me with a job and a boyfriend who also has a strong relationship with Him. I'm sick of wasting my time on loser guys who have no goals for their life and waste their life away partying and slacking. I'm ready for a real man. But I'm also sick of chasing after guys, so I'm done. Of course I'm not going to stop noticing when a cute boy is within close proximity, but if he wants to talk to me then he'll find a way to talk to me. And if he's worth my time, maybe I'll give it a shot. I'm ready for a new love, but before I can find love with someone else I need to focus on my love with God. First God, then school, then derby, then maybe someday-a relationship with a guy. I still have a lot of trust issues and a lot of healing to go through, but I have a feeling things will be better from now on.
I'm still going to be me, just a newer version. One I will be proud of.

Movies like Closer are way too realistic.

I can’t get this rhythm out of my head, it goes something like
“lies, lies, lies, I feel like lies, I felt like lying, I lied, you lied, lies, lies, lies…”
And it might trail off into an ending with gusto, infused with romance, but despite the glamour lies present, it’s all a sham. Like washed up porn stars and late night television. Meant to entertain, but never satisfies. Satisfied. Where do I want to be? Present tense or past tense? If I could go back in time, I would go back to the moment I was born, as myself. I would walk into the room and everyone would be like “Who are you?” And I would say “I am myself 19 years from now, could we have a moment alone?” They would then proceed to say “No!” And I would be pushed out of the room, but on the way out I would yell something to myself, something epic or cliché. Maybe both.
No, I would tell myself to never believe a word you say, and then I could stay with you forever because whenever I find out that the words you said and the things you kept from me were all lies, it wouldn’t hurt or bother me at all. I could say “oh, ok.” And you would say “I’m sorry,” since that’s what you do best, and then we would kiss and like a little kid my boo-boos would disappear, with just that, a kiss. Wouldn’t life be grand if I could time travel?

You keep me awake at night with your smile while a voice scrapes away the wallpaper on my insides that says “You should have let him go.”

(I feel guilty for even writing this. I wish I didn’t. Didn‘t feel guilty or didn‘t write, you pick.)

I know nothing of your taste.

I went home to unwind.
The stress of knowing I have to work 2 jobs this summer,
knowing I am taking 20 credit hours next semester,
hoping for the chance to work on the school magazine,
wondering when I'll have free time for friends,
for me.
It became the pinched nerve in my spine that I felt every time I straightened my back.
So I went back to a place of comfort with welcoming hugs, food, love, music.

I couldn't wear my monroe, couldn't wear a nose ring, couldn't show my tattoo (not that it ever really shows anyway).
I didn't care. Physical discomfort was bearable for a day.

I began to loosen up,
My mom got home, tired, with a kitchen full of dirty dishes.
I began to fill the dishwasher and handwash the rest that wouldn't fit,
And Michael started to play piano.
I don't know the name of the song, I don't think it matters.
He played the chords beautifully, and I worked to the rhythm, I let my shoulders down.
I wished it wouldn't stop.
The harmonious chords were interrupted by screaming discord,
Stubborn children and relationship tension,
(Which is why couples shouldn't live together unless they're married),
The playing stopped.
My thoughts went to Faulkner, Alan Moore, personal ads, Howl, laundry, ridiculous art exercises, my week streaming through my thoughts
unevenly and somewhat strategically placed
amongst dirty dishes


dirty lives.

Easter is coming up. My first Easter on my own.
I haven't been to church since school started, except for when I've been home,
And I don't want to be one of those people that only attends church for holidays.
I figure I'll read the story from the Bible, ask the Lord for forgiveness
it might take awhile.

Sometimes I think about God. About what He thinks about me. About my life.
If I'm doing the right things, if I have the right major,
if it's going to matter.
Or if I'm living through this blur for a moment of clarification to be found in death sooner than I think.
I wonder if I'll die or if I'll live through Armageddon.
I wonder what side I'll end up on.
It's hard to tell these days.
How much forgiveness am I allowed?
I know it's infinite...
I don't feel like that.

Dad walks in, says he has music for my song.
He plays my words back to me, a bit more upbeat than first imagined, not bad though.
Maybe he can slow it down some, but the melody is nice....
My words echo back to me.
"So I'm alone, I'm alone..."
They sound so right with the acoustic chords he strums,
He strums fast, like he's driving his mustang,
I can tell he feels proud. I feel proud for him.

He used to play the kitty kat song...there were three of us then.
Basically two.

Now, I see myself as the girl who played to the kittykat song as Sarah Ruth..
When I went home it took her a few minutes to recognize me,
I felt obsolete.
I was worried she would forget me, and she almost did.
I almost forgot myself.

Mom walks in, helps me wash dishes, I tell her my best friend is pregnant.
I tell her about my new room mate.
I try not to cry when she asks why I came home, and I whisper "stress."

Was it the stress?
Or was it because I don't feel like I belong anywhere?

I think it's just hormones.
Damn being a girl.

well

.

Excess

Lately my life has become one of excess.
I have too much time on my hands so I watch too much TV and eat too much food.
I also go to too many web sites and clearly have too much free time on my hands.
All of this a result of too much Spring break with too little cash to go somewhere too cool.
Not that I mind where I am, it's nice to relax, but I feel like I've been too much of a couch potato.
Now I'm getting too sick.
Well, not really-but I added the too for dramatic emphasis.

I have too much of this that is consuming that...
that which inspires me,
which motivates me,
which guides me.

Also, I've realized I'm a huge hypocrite.
Yes, it made me sad for about 5 minutes.
But it's too lazy of me to complain and then not change anything.
And I know I won't change.
At least not right away.
Change requires effort, and...something else that I'm too tired to think of right now.
But if you're ever feeling too down,
check out what I've discovered with too much time (and the help of Stephanie's brother):

fmylife.com

anddd

A

heart is thudding.
It's mine.

I remember when,

I remember when we were best friends,
And we laughed at things like "mustard covered midgets" and put on wax lips at the mall.
And I stayed in your room listening to your mom yell at you, not knowing what to say when you came back.
And you defended me when others tried to pull me down, and bought me skittles and a starbucks card after one of the worst nights of my life.
And you couldn't always be there for me but I was determined to always be there for you.
And you always bought me random Hello Kitty stuff from Target because it made you think of me.
And I always missed you when you were sick and couldn't come to school.
And we rented movies that we had never heard of and laughed when they turned out to be really awkward, and watched them anyways.
And we shared our deepest secrets that we couldn't tell anyone else when we took roadtrips up to Indy.
And you were the only person that ever truly understood me,
And I can't think of a better way of putting it.

And it's all ruined because of one fight. Because of one guy.
And yeah, I was hurt, but you meant too much to me.
I shouldn't have let our friendship fall apart.

I miss you terribly.

"I can't shake this little feeling,

I never get anything right."

I don't think I can.
All of my actions lead to someone being unhappy with me in the end, when I wish I could make everyone happy.
Currently, I have managed to make a good friend and my boyfriend mad at me simultaneously. Don't ask me how I do it, I guess I'm just lucky.

I'm so afraid that the reason this happens is because subconsciously I want it to happen. I'm afraid I can't stand to see myself content in a relationship because somewhere in the back of my mind I have the idea that he will come back to me.
I don't know why I would hope for that, other than to use it as an excuse to not put myself wholeheartedly into something ever again.
On the other hand, there isn't anything I want more right now. I'm tired of "having fun" and acting like the fact that all the guys I know just want to use me doesn't bother me, because I'm using them too.
That isn't true...it's just another excuse to not let anybody in.
I'm trying to break free from that mentality, I'm trying to allow myself to be free around a great guy who is proving to be worth my time and emotion,
I just can't get past this wall.
This wall that gets higher every time I tear it down.
This wall that lets me make stupid decisions because I know those stupid decisions will keep me from getting too serious.

Sad ipod, sad day :(

So, my ipod is broken. Which kind of makes me really sad, considering I didn't do anything to it. It was just plugged into my computer, on the floor, where it usually is. And when I pulled it out, I couldn't turn it on...a sad ipod face just kept coming on the screen. And wouldn't stop...which made me sad. And then both me and my ipod were sad. A sad, lonely couple of music driven devices and no access to music.

Story of my life.

Oh, treesicles!

I awoke this morning to a lovely, loud beeping coming from my room phone.
Why?
Because classes were canceled due to the large amount of fallen tree limbs and power outages around campus.

What a beautiful day. :)

I did...absolutely nothing.
I ate, and watched movies/lost/law and order, and took pictures of the damage.
Oh, and did a slight amount of reading for FYS.

How was your day?

Maybe if I keep listening to Deathcab,

I look ridiculous right now.
My hair is dripping wet,soaked through with complacency.
Breathe deep, breathe slow.
I feel alive.
I am not 2008 or 2001 or 1995.
I am not nestled in my mother's womb,
I am not wrapped up in a life I should have led.
My past is aspartame in a diet soda that leaves a funny aftertaste.
My present is my wet hair, my laughter, my friends.
My future is just a phone call away.

I hope classes are canceled tomorrow.